Leading as a People Pleaser: Finding Your Leadership Superpower
Leadership is the perfect storm for personal and professional break throughs. When you start leading, you quickly learn things about yourself. Some are surprising, others shocking but there is one constant - self-aware leaders continue to peel back the layers of who they are the longer they lead. And the more layers you reveal, one of the most powerful lessons you learn is that your natural strengths can sometimes turn into your greatest challenges.
This article was inspired by a conference room full of leaders identifying as a people pleaser and wanting to know how to be better at leadership.
Before we explore that it means to be a leader AND a people pleaser let’s first understand exactly what it means to be a people pleaser.
What is a People Pleaser?
According to Merriam Webster Dictonary, a people pleaser is someone who has an emotional need to please others often at the expense of his or her own needs or desires.
Is being a people pleaser good or bad?
Leading as a people pleaser is seen as a negative, a disadvantage and not aligned with solid leadership. I’ve lost count of how many leaders identify as a people pleaser with a glimpse of shame when asked to identify their leadership style.
But being a people pleaser isn’t a whole identity, and plot twist: being a people pleaser is actually a good thing.
Let me explain.
At the heart of people pleasing is other people. More specifically, it’s the desire to meet other people’s needs.
When it is peeled back, it’s a trait that is associated with excellent leadership and is the foundation of collaboration and teamwork.
But when taken to the extreme the impact of people pleasing can have a negative impact on the leader motivated by pleasing above all else. Including themselves.
Being a people pleaser isn’t a diagnosis. You won’t find it listed in the DSM-5.
And there is little scientific research that links leadership and people pleasing.
That’s because it is a social construct, a label, a claim, a diss.
At some point in time, the diss gained traction and people started to label themselves as a people pleaser.
I’m not an anthropologist, but I am a researcher and spend a lot of my time observing and interpreting human behaviour and psychology in my leadership development practice. So, once I started to pick up this new and emerging leadership style, I also noticed 2 different phenomena.
1. It was often a claim imposed by someone else. The label was used to restrict another person’s perception of their ability to lead. In effect, it placed people them in people pleasing jail because someone else declared “oh, you’re such a people pleaser and you can’t do that as a leader”.
2. It was a false claim. There was a disconnect between identifying themselves as a people pleaser and the associated behaviour. In some instances, the claim of pleaser was more of a misunderstanding about empathy and teamwork. And in the worse circumstances, it was being misused to excuse self indulgence in an attempt to “manage” their self declaration of people pleasing behaviour. As in “I just always say no to doing extra work because I am such a people pleaser and I need to put myself first”.
This article is for people who identify as a people pleaser and are motivated to peel back the layers and find a way to both be an effective leader AND have people pleasing tendencies.
How Did I Become a People Pleaser?
This article is less about the origins and more about taking steps towards being an effective leader. But it is important to acknowledge the origins of this behaviour before we turn our attention to how to manage people pleasing at work.
In short, people pleasing is a learned behaviour. Often the behaviour is learned early in life, for example in our family of origin during childhood, and may have been used as a coping strategy or was observed behaviour that was role modelled by care givers.
Remembering the dictionary definition of a people pleaser is someone who prioritises the emotional needs of others at their own expense, it is not always a simple solution to a long term challenge. If this sounds like an issue you want to seek professional therapeutic support for then speak to a trusted and qualified health professional to find the right support for you.
People Pleaser Leadership
At its core, leadership is tricky. You want to be supportive, approachable, and kind, but you also need to make tough decisions, set (and hold) boundaries, and have difficult conversations.
So, how do you lead effectively when you’re hardwired to put people first?
Let’s explore what it means to be a people-pleasing leader, the risks it can bring, and how you can find a healthy balance that still feels like an honest and authentic reflection of you, your core values and a leadership style you are proud of.
What Does It Mean to Be a People Pleaser in Leadership?
At its core, being a people pleaser is about keeping others happy, no matter what that looks like for you.
You may recognise these behaviours:
Avoidant of conflict, even when addressing it would improve performance.
Saying “yes” to tasks or requests that really need a “no”.
Minimising or completely overlooking your own needs because it just “feels easier”.
Using “happiness” as a metric of success.
The trouble is these are short term strategies eventually result in negative impacts.
Let me be clear, wanting to support your team and see your team happy doesn’t make you a bad leader. In the short term, it will be amazing. People will love your leadership style because they have so much to gain on a personal level.
But leadership is a team sport.
Eventually, you won’t be able to prioritise one person’s yes above everyone else’s. Teamwork relies on the collective good, not the individual desire of a single person.
Leadership is a long game. It requires leadership practices that are sustainable. And the long-term impact of avoiding conflict, saying yes when you mean no, trying to make life easier or using happiness to measure success are not the makings of long term, sustainable leadership practices.
The Hidden Costs of People-Pleasing Leadership
Leaders who lean heavily into people pleasing often find themselves facing these challenges:
1. Burnout and Overcommitment
When you’re saying “yes” to everyone else, you are saying no to yourself. Over time, this erodes your effectiveness, builds resentment and can make you pretty bitter. Which is the totally opposite intention of being a people-centred leader known for always thinking of others.
2. Unclear Boundaries
A desire to be liked can make it hard to set limits. Your team may become confused about expectations, or worse, take advantage of your flexibility. And the reality is, most people thrive where the line between ok and not ok exists.
3. Avoiding Difficult Conversations
Conflict avoidance can mean performance issues drag out, there never seems to be a good time to give feedback, and small problems snowball into avalanches. The trouble is people won’t know what to do or how well they are doing it without hearing that from their leader.
4. Inconsistent Decision-Making
If every decision is made to avoid upsetting others, your leadership vision may become unclear, and strategic goals won’t be attained.
The good news? These challenges don’t mean you’re not suitable for leadership. They’re simply signals of growth opportunities across your leadership practices.
Strengths You Bring as a People-Pleasing Leader
Here is the plot twist.
Let’s acknowledge the genuine strengths you already bring:
High emotional intelligence: You pick up on people’s moods and dynamics quickly. Being able to read the room is a sign of a superpower.
Strong focus on relationships: Your approach to leadership is people centred, you value relationships, build trust and loyalty with your team.
Collaboration skills: You naturally look for win-win solutions.
Commitment to wellbeing: You care deeply about creating positive workplaces.
Your intention is anchored in caring for others, it’s the execution that is causing the problem. You don’t need to stop focusing on other people, you need to refocus on the leadership practices that take you and your team towards your goals.
And that starts with self-awareness.
Knowing you have people pleasing tendencies sprinkled across your leadership practices is a sign of self-awareness. And self-awareness is the most critical foundation of great leaders.
So, here we are – it’s time to start building out how sustainable leadership practices that will serve you, and your team, for the long haul.
How to Lead Without Losing Yourself
Here are some practical ways to develop your leadership practices shift from “people pleasing” to people-focused leadership:
1. Redefine What Support Looks Like
Supporting your team doesn’t mean saying “yes” to everything. True support often looks like clarity, honesty, and accountability. Ask yourself: Am I helping this person grow, or just keeping them comfortable?
Then ask the other person: What do you need from me to support you with this problem?
When you can coach your team to develop their own self-awareness people come to you with a clearer need and expectations of you when they seek out your support. And you don’t need to spend wasted time giving them support that doesn’t meet their needs.
2. Practice Small Acts of Boundary Setting
Having an open door policy can lead to a constant stream of interruptions and in some instances, can be the perfect opportunity to avoid the task at hand.
At times, you will need to close the door literally and metaphorically.
In my upcoming masterclass, we’ll explore these strategies, a few more, in detail so you know how to set boundaries that stick, manage conflict with confidence, and stay true to your leadership style without the guilt that often comes with saying no.
From People Pleaser to People-Centered Leader
If you see yourself in this, know that it’s completely normal and it’s possible to shift without changing who you are.
In my upcoming online masterclass, Leading as a People Pleaser, we’ll unpack the exact tools to help you set boundaries, have tough conversations, and lead with confidence — while still being the caring, approachable leader you naturally are.
👉 Join me live on Wednesday 22nd October at 12:00pm (Sydney time] to learn how to balance empathy with authority and stop the people-pleasing cycle for good.
Reserve your spot here.